Codependency and Manipulation
Codependency and emotional manipulation can subtly infiltrate any relationship, even with the best of intentions. Most people would likely claim they want to avoid unhealthy codependent dynamics, especially those of us interested in self-improvement. Yet, the concept of codependency is often vague and difficult to define in a way that fits everyone's idea of healthy versus unhealthy emotional interactions.
When I think of codependency, I refer to a dynamic where two people in a relationship—be it romantic, familial, or friendly—are so emotionally entangled that one's emotional well-being heavily depends on the other's state of mind. For instance, in a codependent relationship, my happiness would be contingent on my partner's happiness, and if they aren't happy, I cannot be happy until they are.
It is of course important to recognize the difference between healthy empathy and unhealthy codependency. It's natural to feel upset when your partner is upset or to share in their joy. The transition from healthy empathy to unhealthy codependency is a gray area, where one’s emotional state becomes almost absent without the confirmation that their partner feels the same. This can lead to an adjustment of one's behavior and attitude to align with how they perceive their partner feels, slipping into a state where their own emotions become secondary to their partner’s.
As relationships deepen, we naturally develop an understanding of our partner's emotional needs and how they might respond to different situations. This awareness, while necessary for empathetic connections, can also open the door to codependency if not handled carefully. Often the problems arise when we begin to habitually shield our partner from having negative experiences. This develops into anxiety and an obsessive need to ensure their contentment, a dynamic which can escalate until what began as a thoughtful gesture of empathetic kindness becomes a source of anxiety and growing resentment.
For example, if we know our partner becomes frustrated by a messy kitchen, we may commit to cleaning up before they arrive home, as a means towards thoughtfully demonstrating an interest in their happiness and well being. But then, over time, if we are not mindfully paying attention to our own emotional condition, this thoughtful act can morph into a source of anxiety as we find ourselves stressing over the “need” to maintain this cleanliness. We begin to project that our partner will have a negative response if we are negligent on what we have adopted as our “duty” to maintain this clean kitchen. Before we know it, we begin to harbor resentment towards our partner for having such high expectations of perfection in their immediate surroundings. And what began as a thoughtful gesture has now become a source of anxiety and festering resentment for us as we have inadvertently built a story in our heads about what our partner’s expectations of us are.
At this point, what was once a genuine effort to foster our partner's well-being becomes a form of manipulation. We try to predict and thus pre-manage their emotional responses in an effort to avoid our own discomfort at what we assume will be their negative emotional response. In doing so, we stop allowing our partner to experience their own organic, emotional reaction to a given situation – we have, unintentionally, decided for our partner how they will react and then take measures to avoid this reaction. We become committed to crafting an emotional environment around them that serves to propagate what we assume they want, often rationalizing this to ourselves as being something they “need,” generating an environment that reinforces this assumption. Thus, we begin to have a relationship not with the person as they are, but with a version of them that we’ve constructed in our minds.
This kind of unhealthy codependency and the attendant subtle manipulation often develop in romantic relationships, where we are inclined to be open, honest, and (hopefully) vulnerable. These are the relationships where emotional responses have the most significant impact on us, making us more susceptible to falling into these patterns. This underscores a common struggle experienced by couples who have been together for a long time: a surreal sense from one or both partners that they no longer recognize the other person. If we have been crafting a relationship with an image of how we assume our partner is going to behave, it is unsurprising that when they behave differently – when they have an organic reaction that doesn’t exactly match our assumptions of what we thought they wanted or “needed” – that we become confused.
This clean-kitchen example is trite, however it illustrates the kind of patterns that we can easily fall into with loved ones – although it is often more subtle than the physical cleanliness of a kitchen counter: perhaps we find ourselves avoiding referring to a specific person or event in conversation, out of an awareness of some negative feeling the reference brings up in our partner; maybe we defer the decision of where to eat or go for a hike or some other joint activity, remembering that once our partner expressed frustration at not being asked this in the past. Whatever it is, we find ourselves subtly shifting our approach to accommodate a view of what we believe it is the other person is wanting.
Fortunately, the remedy for this kind of unhealthy codependency and manipulation is straightforward: frequent self-awareness and consistent, open communication. Checking in with yourself and with your partner is essential. Ask yourself if you're acting out of fear of your partner's reaction or because you genuinely want to help them - am I engaging in this behavior because my partner “needs” it, or is it an assumption that I have made? Make the effort to directly ask the other person if your actions are actually contributing to their well-being or if you’ve built up these expectations in your mind.
For instance, in the kitchen example, after a few times of ensuring everything is tidy, you might say, “I have been trying to keep the kitchen tidy because I noticed it reduces stress for you. I just wanted to check in with you, I am cool keeping up with this, for the most part, but sometimes I will forget or be too tired – please let me know whether my focus on this is as important to you as I think it is.” Or, you might simply let the kitchen be messy – or at least not-perfectly-tidy – one day and see how your partner reacts, and then have a loving, kind conversation about it. This kind of open communication can be challenging, especially if you struggle with anxious attachment, but it’s crucial for a healthy relationship.
In the end, maintaining self-awareness and regularly checking in with yourself and your relationship is key. If you find yourself walking on eggshells or feeling resentment over caretaking behaviors, it's a signal that a conversation with your partner is needed. Chances are, unless your partner is also sharing in this codependency with behaviors of their own, they may not even realize the anxiety you’re experiencing. A simple, honest conversation can alleviate the pressure and bring you closer together.
Regular communication and self-awareness are the antidotes to unhealthy codependency, ensuring that both partners can be present and loving toward each other without the burden of unnecessary emotional caretaking.
